mourning hall entry of gonsenheim cemetery.
as i headed into october, usually my most favourite month of the year, there were first signs of an upcoming cloudiness coming upon our infant relationship. i distinctly remember that it started on the day we visited gonsenheim cemetery. all was well until i made an inconsiderate remark about some graves being too kitschy for my taste, something that i catch myself doing quite often, even though i know that this is something that's always up to those who grieve, and shouldn't be any of my business. there was someone near us who was tending the graves as i said this, but i am almost sure he didn't hear it, as i had made my remark in a low voice but apparently the dude knew the other person and that was basically the bowl of fat that i immediately stepped into - dropping a brick where i shouldn't have. our walk, that started harmless at first with a visit to the nearby animal enclosure, was suddenly tainted by my thoughtless comment, and while i tried my best to backpedal and apologize for what i had said, it seemed like it didn't change the damage i'd done. the walk back to the car was a lot quieter than i anticipated... and i think that spurred some later uncomfortable conversations as well. because it makes you think, right? whether that woman you are trying to get to know is actually a heartless, unempathetic hag, showing no tactfulness and decency in the appropriate moments.
i mean, i get that. at least that's what i asked myself. and i asked myself that quite a lot the more we spent time together. because there were more of such incidences, where i didn't know how to react to some of his burdens and how to be that empathetic woman he probably needed, sniffing up what was on his mind and showing compassion. situations arose, where i, in my eagerness, anxiety and maybe in a rose-coloured ignorance, sometimes took a misstep and may have left him in uncomfortable situations, that didn't feel like a huge deal to me, but to him might've been a dealbreaker. i talk about these things like they are assumptions, and indeed, they are, as we never quite talked about it in a concluding way but also i feel like they are the truth to what the final problem was in the end. i am no big talker and communicating is not my biggest talent, but i did try my best to better myself in these realms, and i second-guessed myself a lot whenever these things appeared on our problem plate ( as usually i am really good at doubting and questioning myself ). i tried to be open with him with my fears and worries, even though i have a hard time relaying my so-called problems to others, or talking about my faults and bad self-image and the image i have of society ( which is not a very positive one ). talking about this probably revealed to him things that he couldn't endorse. and at the same time i had the feeling that he also struggled with similar issues, but i am not quite sure, because he himself didn't always open up to me. i don't blame it on him, though, some things are just tough to talk about, and when you don't seem to find the trust and the courage to tackle those inconvenient issues with your partner because you doubt their ability to feel empathy and compassion, it is absolutely understandable that you keep some things to yourself.
i know that i have my faults, and if the time together with him taught me one thing, it's that he made me aware of them, my inabilities and flaws, and that i have to put in the work and try to do better. i thought i had time to show him that despite my shortcomings in some areas of life and emotions, i am aware of them and am capable of doing the work to better myself. it turned out that this time was running out faster than i thought.
while these things were really just tiny clouds above our heads at that time ( at least above MY head ) we still had a month to go before everything broke apart unexpectedly. and even in that month i was determined to not let these hick-ups deter me from enjoying our time together, always thinking that this was something that relationships don't hinge on and is survivable, that such issues can be solved as long as you talk about them and make the other one aware of it. like i said, i am not an unconvincable bitch who doesn't notice what she's doing wrong and refuses to change. i was always willing to put in the work to make it last. but maybe i was too compliant in some ways, maybe he felt like i didn't express myself honest enough. in any case, it doesn't help to muse over these things now, as the end result was simple: it didn't work out for him and there would've probably never been a better solution to it all, no matter what. some things just start to fray easily and dissolve into nothingness, without you really having a hand in it.
well, to end this strange monologue, let's move on to some pictures. first of a little assortment shot inside the gonsenheim cemetery and then some night pictures of my parent's visit on my birthday week-end ( on which i turned 30 and which was also filled with anxiety, due to me going into overdrive with wanting him to meet my parents, which consequently did not happen because of this ). so i spent my week-end turning 30 in a quite gloomy and sad mood, without him, but at least with my parents ( who once again proved to me why i love them so much and why they will always play an important part in my life - they are not only my parents but also my companions and friends in good and in bad times ).
i loved the mosaic above the entry door to the mourning hall. the cemetery in gonsenheim was opened in 1931 and the mourning hall/chapel was built in 1961. the mosaic depicts the resurrection and was created by the artist helimar schoormanns.
tiny drops of remaining morning dew.
this reminded me of pop art, quite an unusual way of graveyard planting. it's also astonishing to me in what unnatural colours you can buy heathers these days. i do like me a simple purple-coloured heather, but i get the appeal of some popping colours to commemorate someone beloved ( whose personality, i'm imagining, maybe was excentric and bright? ).
little snail glued to a smooth gravestone.
i also liked that smooth stone a lot, especially because it basically functioned as a mirror.
these tiny crassulaceous plants are perfect as ground covers! they look like little roses!
i loved the use of various rocks on this one.
found a squirrel in the trees as well, munching away on some nut.
when my parents arrived on that particular friday in october we immediately set out to make a night walk through wiesbaden. i rarely stroll around wiesbaden at night, which is a shame because nocturnal cityscapes are one of my favourite things. everything is so much calmer and more soothing, the illumination of the city sheds a new light on it and makes it seem like a crystal with hidden opalescence somehow, glittering and highlighting things that were previously unseen in daylight.
i actually love the night, even though i spend it mostly in bed and indoors. but on the few occassions i set my foot out into it ( often with the most precious people ), it is always, without a doubt, one of the best experiences, like i feel embraced by the night and its comforting and salving powers and the calm it brings to my heart. unfortunately the night is prone to attracting the most dubious people in the city as well, which is why i rather go exploring with dear ones at my side than submitting myself to the possible dangers on my own.
we visited the rmcc - short for rhein main congress center - and marvelled over the beautiful lighting.
even at night this building is exceptional in its own right. while i am sometimes a little sad that the old congress center from the 50ies is not with us anymore ( i should've documented this building before it was torn down! i still am a little cross over this, lol, but what can you do when your interest in mid-century buildings started to show up a tad too late ), i find the new building pretty charming with its open design and high porticos.
and it really shines like a jewel at night, right? i love driving by it every time i work a late shift ( its on my commute route ).
on the other side of the congress center is another gorgeous building: the museum wiesbaden. it was under construction when we had our little stroll, but that didn't sidetrack from its opulence.
the fountain basins in front of the congress center are my favourite highlight about the whole structure. the mirroring creates spectacular perspectives.
sitting in front of the main entrance of the museum is this particular gentleman: johann wolfgang von goethe.
the entrance with its classical columns and ornate portal details in closer detail.
our stroll led us to the bowling green in front of the spa building, which is also always so beautifully illuminated. definitely a must-see when you go on a night walk in wiesbaden. i've made lots of photos around here in the past and could always add more. it is so damn charming.
there was a light show happening inside the spa park ( which we initially had planned to go see, but then decided against it, because it was 15 euro per person? the fuck? for a simple light show that didn't really offer any highlights? ). we made our way around the park and you could see the illumination well from the outside, and there was nothing that would've warranted the price tag. it still helped with getting some interesting shots of rainbow-coloured trees, even without entering it, but like i said i wouldn't have paid this much to just see some mediocre light installations and eat overpriced snacks. the park isn't even that big, so i at least would've expected some musical or theatrical performances, but it all was just lights, a few sculptures and music out of loudspeakers.
i don't want to bad-mouth everything, though, because in the end i got some really neat and lovely shots out of this. especially when you capture a real-life tree ghost, like this one ;)
passing by the spa park past the public parking decks. that scenery was so awesome as the evening was a little bit misty. i love how this picture turned out, it feels so forlorn and gloomy.
an aureola pointing to the sky. the event was at least good for something: creating mysterious illuminations, conjuring up some light spectres.
not quite happy with this shot of these disco balls lying on the ground, as it is a bit blurred, but i'm including it anyway, because i still liked it somehow.
love this ghostly blue!
the last picture of the evening was of the newly renovated 'mövenpick' building ( actually was built for an insurance company, but there was a restaurant on the ground floor that they called mövenpick restaurant and the name just stuck with the whole building ) where the ministry of social affairs is now situated. it was build post-war in 1953 after plans by paul schaeffer-heyrothsberge ( what a name! ) and is a listed monument. i have yet to shoot it in daylight, but around it there's still some heavy construction going on, as the whole plot is currently developed into a new quarter. it is quite a gem, this building and i'm glad they did not give it up for the sake of building something completely new.
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