2018: year in review.

if you had to describe 2018 in three words, what would they be?

rootedness, heartbreak, resilience.

what, or who, are you most thankful for?

• this planet, because it's heartbreakingly beautiful.
• artists & musicians for providing soul food & giving my crazy whirlwind mind some kind of order with expressing what i can't express myself.
• family, friends & colleagues - off- & online ❤❤❤ ( they all helped me immensely through the toughest times of the year with their abilities to listen or spending time with me ).

what new things did you discover about yourself?

• i actually like to be touched and loved! and i am able to still love ( gasp! ) even though it might not be an all-encompassing love, but a limited one only available for very few persons in my life.
• i am resilient and self-reliant and proud of it.
• i'm not a very communicative person - but i'm trying my best to overcome that and be more open. also, i feel like i sometimes lack empathy, but what can you do, when you did not experience certain emotions or life situations yet, and can't feel the emotions that are tied to it and be understanding of them?
• i glimpsed a realization that i'm not yet very sure about and am a bit embarassed to admit, but i will mention it here, anyway: i strive to be selfless and altruistic, but really struggle with egocentricity & selfish-ness. i'd rather be the altruistic version of myself, though, and forgetting about my 'self' in general. also in terms of being comfortable within myself and therefore being more able to focus on other people.
• which also ties into this: that i have a tendency to not be very emotionally vulnerable with other people. i tend to run away from raw emotions or stressful situations, probably because i fear being hurt. and i keep continueing to wall myself off, because everytime i'm actually trying to be more vulnerable that's the moment when it hurts the most and my brain tells me to stop hurting myself and push those bad things away, keeping them at armlength. not sure, if i'm being very healthy with that approach, but recognizing it might be a step forward?
• i will always be far behind with posting timely on here ;P but i forgive myself, because my life does not depend on this little abode on the infinite vastness of the internet.

what single achievement are you most proud of?

letting some of my guards down for three months this year, even though it ended in immense hurt. 

what was the best news you received?

there weren't a lot of good news this year. in personal terms a lot broke, a lot went awry and loss hung like a cloud over our family... and global news in general were horrible all the way through. i had a very hard time coming up with good news, and the news that came to mind are actually not really life-changing - it's when i learn about favourite musicians coming to a place near me, so i can see them live or when there's art exhibitions about favourite artists to visit. do they count as good news? i went to some lovely concerts & exhibitions this year. oh, and i almost forgot when my best friend told me that she finally graduated university! probably THE NEWS OF THE YEAR!

what was your favourite place that you visited in 2018?

you know me. i can't give you a single one place that was my favourite amongst all them favourites. let met tell you about the czech republic ( so. much. good. architecture. so. much. new. history ). about the landmarked ironwork in völklingen. about several visits to the middle rhine valley ( for example drachenfels near bonn or the little side valleys of my usual haunts around rüdesheim ). about more several visits to the mainz area ( special mention: mainzer sand or an abandoned horse stable in the vicinity of mainz city ). hungary - even though the most special place here for me was lake balaton and some of its surrounding landscapes. frankfurt cemetery, biebrich cemetery, waldfriedhof mainz. the rheingau region. places in thuringia like oberhof in winter, weida in april, hainich in may, outdoor museum hohenfelden, middle ilm valley, illumination exhibition in erfurt at the egapark. vulkaneifel in rhineland-palatinate. mainz-kostheim's industrial district near the main river. frankfurt at night or in the blue hours of the evening. lots of little places around wiesbaden, like the lush woods surrounding the city, or several brutalist churches in town. museum georg schäfer in schweinfurt. you see, it's a lot. i have a lot of favourite places and i visited & revisited a lot in 2018.

which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

i think i developed some kind of resilience that helped me moving forward. some might say it's also called putting on blinders. but i see it as self protection. in order to not drown in miserable conditions i actively decided to focus my mind on distracting endeavours and also tried to avert myself from too much pondering over my inner state of being. it helped sometimes. sometimes it didn't. i still am a brewing soup of horrible thoughts, but i think this year i leaned into that fact more, and accepted that i am not a holy figure, but a failure of a human and that is okay. i think i'm kind of on a path to more self-acceptance through this.

who was your no.-1-go-to person that you could always rely on?

i don't like 'relying' on people, but there still were some people who kept me sane throughout the year. my friends, lea, stuart, jani, nici. my parents, always. they are my rock. some colleagues of mine. i don't have a number one person. all of my closer connections in my life are equally important to me.

which new skills did you learn?

• ha! that's easy! i now know how to masterfully crack a walnut with a knife or scissors 😂
• maybe taking portraits of a person that was not me is another new skill? a skill that i wasn't quite able to flex yet and train more, though :/
• calming down at work more - but still not relaxed enough yet
• and ice skating! just recently discovered that it's actually fun!

what one event are you going to tell your grandchildren about?

well, i don't want to have children, therefore i won't have grandchildren, but if i had someone to tell my 'life story' to, i'd probably tell them the story about the time i fell in love, floated for three months while wearing rose-coloured glasses and then abruptly fell out of the love clouds again.

if someone would write a book about your year, what genre would it be?

 travel/daily grind log with melodramatic / comical touch.

what was the most important lesson you learned in 2018?

thing is, i learn a lot of lessons, but i also keep falling back to old habits and old views and old patterns. i understand my lessons, but at the same time i'm horrible in actually implementing them to my life and change for the better.

most important lesson learned: emotional vulnerability is important, but only to a certain extent. when the direction motions more into abusive & shameful forcing of vulnerability, it is not healthy anymore. why force someone to opening up on painful issues when there's no closure provided? i consider it very hurtful to stir up things that someone actually does not want to talk about. emotional respect is equally important if not more so. if someone makes it clear that they have things to do, or don't want to be bothered about certain issues: respect that. let them come back to you on their terms and when they want to talk about it. don't inquire and push yourself into their issues, they're not yours to solve, unless they ask for help.

and: do not always trust your intuition, sometimes the brain knows things a lot earlier than your gut. this is probably not what a lot of therapists would say, but my experience proved me otherwise, lol. intuitive decisions can be tricky sometimes.

which mental blocks did you overcome?

is there ever a thing that can be called overcoming a mental block? i don't believe in overcoming mental blocks, i believe in adjusting and mending and living with them. the issues you have will always be part of you, no matter how hard you try to 'overcome' them. it's a constant struggle and never-ending work. in the end i really think it leads to self-acceptance. and the will to constantly work on bettering yourself.

what five people did you most enjoy spending your time with?

• my parents, lea, nici & my last partner ( yeah, i genuinely did, unfortunately ). 
• there were also online people i enjoyed talking to ( which kind of means spending time with them as well ): my dear friend stuart, who helped a lot with processing my break-up - it's freaky how awful things can still open up healing doors ( or kickstart a new friendship ;) ); jani, a musician that i had a short collaboration with having to do with opening up a fan-account for the music for researcher - which was fun, until i noticed that i'm not a very creatively-minded person, especially establishing a vision or creating constant content. aaaanyway, she's just a super lovely & incredibly talented & warm-hearted person and talking to her deepened another friendship 🖤
• oh, and as always i spend a lot of time with myself and sometimes that's been a blast, too! it's something i want to work on more, accepting my own company and actually learning to like myself - without thinking i might be too egocentric for doing so.

what was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?

i've been a lot calmer & level-minded & even though i still am super-annoyed by customers & the general state of society concerning consumerism & capitalism, i feel like i succeeded in not letting it get to me too hard, this year. i also got a new boss in my department and working with her helped immensely with not overpanicking. for the first time in my professional life, i feel like i'm mostly on good terms with most of my colleagues and it really does make a difference to work with reliable & like-minded people! unfortunately some of the colleagues who i really started to like this year, will leave us for some new opened shops in frankfurt, and it will be quite a loss for our team. i'm curious how that will pan out, and kind of wary of some more staff changes that await us in the future.

how did your relationship to your family evolve?

 i am on very good terms with my parents, i love both of them very dearly, and can't imagine what i would do if they weren't around anymore. they're my rocks i latch on to in need of consolation or help. me & my brother are not actually best friends, but we get along okay-ish, despite his crazy world view that sometimes makes me want to explode 😂 he's doing the best he can and after going through very tough experiences in the past few years it now feels like he is on a right track. i really hope for the best.

sometimes i miss my family very much and am playing with the thought of moving back, but something tells me i am not quite ready to return. i am still a solitudal being after all, i would really need to have my own place and with a bit of distance as well ( albeit not too far away ). and this region that i'm living in right now, it provides so much in terms of life quality, at least at this time of my life. i like living here. unfortunately it means only seeing my family a few times a year, and missing out on the lives of extended family, which sometimes makes me a bit sad, but then i remember that my life here has also so much to offer and i don't feel alone here, i do have friends nearby. i would lose that by returning to thuringia. in the end i have to remind myself that everything has its pros and cons and that what i have with my family ( the connection ) is still so much better than not having them around at all or being too annoyed by their presence.

what book or movie affected your life in a profound way?

i'm more of a music person, so i will include that into this question as well, as music affects my life much more than books or movies. also, i can never decide on ONE thing, so you will have to deal with a LIST of things. not sorry at all. how can someone only choose ONE thing?

i discovered the band shortparis, a russian electro-punk band with super heavy & dark vibes, to be taken with a grain of salt! i love how dramatic they are!

also, i deepened my love for the band 'the war on drugs', which i've seen live this year and was super blown away by their performance. and they provided this year's soundtrack to my life ( last year the musician researcher was my go-to, remember? he still owns my heart, though ;P )

also: kate tempest with her insightful & critical & sensitive music, making me cry out YES YES YES like everytime i listen to her words 🖤



for more music you can always follow me up on spotify and listen to my monthly playlists there! too much good music on this planet.

movies:

• egon schiele - death & girl (fueled my love for everything egon schiele-related )
•  call me by your name ( beautiful story about first love & the hurt that comes with it when things are not aligned - sometimes a bit too intellectual for my taste - but it doesn't diminish the overall story. )
•  river's edge ( a movie about teenagers & their lives & problems - i loved it, because the issues the teenagers go through are still so common & relatable )
•  moon & thunder ( sweet love story with a huge pang of sadness thrown in )
• wilderness pt 1 & 2 ( albeit frustrating as fuck, this movie still ranks high on my favourite list, not only because it was a 5 hour punch in the face - see what i did there? :P - but also because i genuinely LOVED the basic story )
• 2001: a space odyssey ( stylish movie, which actually will stay in my mind as a bittersweet memory, though )
•  harold & maude ( funny love story about a death obsessed young man & life-loving & carefree elderly woman )
• only lovers left alive ( the epitome of a perfect relationship - can a vampire please turn up in my life? )
•  paterson ( really cute & heart-warming movie, very poetic! )
•  bohemian rhapsody ( goddamn, it's queen for fuck's sake! it was electrifying & inspiring )
•  suspiria ( weird ass movie with lots of unnecessary tidbits & confusing story-telling - but visually stunning and boy, the soundtrack is everything! )

i completely ditch the book part, unless you count in art books! i purchased two egon schiele books and devoured them completely. other than that i read a book or two, but none really changed me profoundly. i have some books lying around still, that i started, but really couldn't bring myself to ending them, because i either fall asleep after reading some lines or they are too heavy for a casual reading session. i should really start properly reading again, though, i've been neglecting books like mad ( so strange to admit that i've been an avid reader once, a book worm par excellence and now only manage to read like 2 books a year, lol ). i've been listening to a lot of podcasts though and tend to think that they replace my book intake.

talking about podcasts or radio shows, i really recommend mary anne hobb's weekend morning shows on bbc 6 music & tim shiel's something more show on triple j! endless music & life & art inspiration!

recommended podcasts: radiolab, manic rambling spiral, die therapie, by the book, nosleep, TANIS & various parcast podcasts about conspiracy theories, historical figures & unexplained mysteries. 

what was the best compliment that you received this year?

i don't take compliments very well, i always feel like i don't deserve them. also, i never know if people make them in all earnesty - mainly because i can't bring myself to actually see myself as they see me! this is very complicated, i know.

people complimented me this year on all kinds of things, many superficial, but others also very deep, yes, but due to my inability to accept them and feel good about them i don't feel like i am truly doing them justice relaying them here.

but one thing people say about me, and that i feel comfortable sharing is that i seem to have a taste in music that others view as outstanding & great & interesting. music is very personal to me & very intimate, but i also LOVE it way too much to keep it private. i love sharing my music playlists and always feel baffled when people like them! i guess i should take this as a hint and accept that i have some kind of good taste in music? ( with the occassional slip-up in terms of goofy songs lol )

what little thing did you enjoy the most during your daily life?

listening to podcasts, to music, watching lovely movies, going on solo or couple or group adventures in nature (!) or cities or countries, tumblring - even though it's not what it used to be anymore now... tending to my instagram account as well, trying to share the things that ground me or uplift me or make me sad - like this actually should be the purpose of this blog, lol. talking to online buddies.
i enjoyed having some sort of love life as well for a few months, made me realize i really like intimate moments & touches & ( gasp! ) sex. okay, i'm pretending not to blush. failed hard.
well, but that's the past again, and didn't i kind of want to forget about it & move on?

what cool things did you create this year?

this photoshoot. other than that, not much. i'm hopelessly behind posting on time on this blog here. not creating meaningful content at all. i have the suspicion that i'm creatively uncreative ;P despite shooting millions of photos about all kinds of random stuff.

what did you think about more than anything else?

him at the start of the year & him at the end of the year, work, myself.

what topics did you enjoy learning more about?

egon schiele & his art! architecture! art! music! history! all kinds of stuff. my mind practically overflows all of the time with learning about things. it's really too much sometimes.

what new habits did you cultivate?

none that i can think of.

what advice would you give your early-2018 self if you could?

let go of the bullshit and try to accept life as it is. i know it's hard and you probably will never stop giving yourself beef about the way you are. and that you will always be frustrated about the way things are in general, in this society, in politics. but remember that life is not lemons all the time, there's a lot of juice in it, find it, drink it and start being thankful for all the good & nourishing moments. accept that life has its ups and downs and that there is no entity out there who's throwing stones in your way, even if it often feels like there is and that they're fucking you up as if you were a joke. hold on to the little things. move on, when things hurt to much. focus on distractions if you notice that you are slipping into the darkness. seek out adventures.

well, i see, you took some of my advice this year, and i'm proud of you.

did any parts of your self or your life did a 180 this year?

damn, i fell in love and had a relationship! that was a 180 in full force. who would've thought that after 10 years of being single and actually having given up on love at all, there was suddenly someone i felt comfortable enough with to start dating and going into a relationship with? not me. and even though it only lasted three months and ended abruptly and left me questioning myself in big hurtful ways, i loved being in a relationship and experiencing pleasure again & loving someone, getting to know someone more intimately. maybe i went through it a bit too naive, though and didn't fully comprehend the scope of being in a relationship. or better, in that relationship, respectively. it felt a bit like... i was not really given a real chance to show that i care, precious time invested into what would turn out to be lofty air. i was extremely hurt. but i also realized that it was for the better, actually. in many ways, one of them being the fact that i realized that i want a relationship to be a freeing experience, with positive vibes.

yes, i'm still bitter about it, but i deny to let it drown me and therefore move on with my life like i did before i met him. i was in a good state of mind before that, relatively speaking, and i'm reclaiming my solitude and my autonomy.

what had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?

ha, falling in love and feeling loved? quite a juxtaposing and conflictive thing, though, when you consider that it did not last long. but then i also remember how much i feel loved by family and friends, and that is a love that also impacts me positively and it did all year round 🖤oh, and nature & travelling & art & music is constantly impacting me positively, i think. 

what was your most frequent mental state?

there is one mental state? not for me. i am constantly going through all kinds of emotions in a matter of hours. i'm human. every day can feel different. the overall feeling of this year was a mentally more stable one. like i wrote earlier, i do have the tendency to being depressed af, but this year it didn't impact me too hard. most of the time i was actually in a life-loving mood. but if you know me well, that is always paired with a wariness of society and people. and that can turn it sour from time to time.

was there anything you did for the very first time in your life?

skating on ice, having a hot adventure out in the woods, visited new places, shot nice photos of an actual human - a real photoshoot as they say.

what was your favourite moment spent with friends?

visiting the frankfurt main cemetery & the ironwork völklingen & animal park hanau & nippon connection & night-time frankfurt & the egon schiele exhibition in schweinfurt with my boo lea, and all the wonderful time spent with my family as well: the trip to königswinter, to hungary & czech republic, the thuringian adventures & the adventures here in my region. those are my faves, and they provide the food i need to develop a hunger for life.

what major goal did you lay the foundations for?

NONE. my decision is still firm when it comes to goals. i don't set goals, for the simple reason that i always end up ditching them anyway because the process is too competitive. i can't hold myself accountable at all. which leads to me feeling like a failure. and since i don't want to beat myself up more than i already do, i never form any for myself. goals are for people who are ambitious & determined, which is not at all who i am.

which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?

my worries are always necessary. and at the same time they're also unnecessary. in the overall picture worries only mean something to the worrier, but in the end it's not important at all in the grand scheme of things.

what experience would you love to do all over again?

LOVE.

what was the best gift you received?

i think it is love. i thought it was love. but love is a very broad thing right? you can feel loved by family & friends as well. which was mainly true for me. nature also offered me lots of love, or cities i have visited. the things i've experienced & the things i consumed like music, art, movies etc, all those things feel like love, too.

the only love i actually craved most for turned out to be more bitter than sweet, though. maybe that love isn't what i should count on going into the future. it felt good while it lasted, and i probably should've woken up sooner and recognized the warning signs, but in the end, it was a fleeting love to begin with. i am thankful for it, though. it made me feel like a superwoman sometimes. which is ridiculous, but true, haha. looking back i also recognize the awful moments, the shameful and the embarassing ones, that let me feel like failure again.

it is what it is, though, and i still think the biggest gift this year was love in all its forms.

how did your overall outlook on life evolve?

didn't change a lot. i'm slightly more accepting of the things i cannot change and am not able to change because of me being me and standing in my way, despite my best efforts. all in all i am still not the most positive person you will ever meet, negativity and anxiety and a dislike for society still prevail in my blood, but i try my best to be open-minded, open my heart for people and not shrivel up into a dry raisin as i get older.
for a short time i thought that things would turn out okay and i could be able to look at life more positive & loving, but somehow it didn't go as hoped. must have something to do with me and what i am 'sending out to the universe'. negativity breeds negativity. positivity should breed positivity as well. in my case, even though i felt positive for the duration of my romance, it actually bred the opposite. maybe i'm doing something wrong, after all. or maybe life's just a bitch. acceptance is still the keyword.

what was the biggest problem you solved?

a puzzle i put together at the start of the year 😂
no, seriously. i don't think i have too many problems, except maybe my mental hickups. but those can only be solved over time, and i doubt that some things can ever be solved at all.

what was the funniest moment, one that still makes you burst out laughing?

i laugh a lot, actually, but it's never really so funny that i've been exploding in laughter... i remember some moments spent with my friend & family and my ex - they were filled with lots of joy and good moments. but a single moment that stayed in my mind? no. but maybe i'm also not very funny, so who knows?

what purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?

i am not very much into constantly buying myself stuff, but if i do i do it with reason. when i go out and purchase something it's because i'm in need of it, especially so when something i possessed prior was giving up on its lifespan. so basically, most of the things i bought for myself this year was something that replaced something broken or unmendable. the things that felt like a good decision, though, were experience related things. going to the movies, going to concerts, seeing art exhibitions or having tours around old castles. you know what i also consider a good decision when it comes to purchases? food. food is nourishing. and even though i'm a bad cook, i still like to eat. for 'survival', you know 😉

what one thing would you do differently and why?

can someone teach me how to not procrastinate - despite needing it, because work is sucking me dry very often? how to be a communicative person, truthful and in consideration of other people's feelings? because those are things i regretted a lot this year. when i think aboutit it's still a thing that doesn't change. every year i would like to be different and act different and be someone else entirely. so i really would like to change me being too aware of my self.

what do you deserve a pat on the back for?

surviving another mentally taxing year with a slightly better attitude as last year? maybe that means growing up. 'getting used to it'.

all the times i venture out into the world on my own.

and all the times i keep myself from jumping customers throats. which is difficult af. i should probably kill some of them AND THEN PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK.
lol. which is a useless and stupid thing of me to say, because, no matter how i act, my brain dislikes lots of the actions i take. killing someone would make me feel bad. but not killing someone does the same thing.

okay, i think i'm at a point where i admit that i need a pat on the back for doing this year in review.
omfg, it was harrrrrd. i actually want to throw up because all the introspection is actually confusing the shit out of me.

what activities made you lose track of time?

listening to podcasts, watching movies, wandering around in nature & cities, visiting friends & family, going to concerts, looking at art, writing this shitty review ( but always with the eye on time and wondering about why the fuck i put so much time and energy into it? lol ), being in love.

but all in all, don't they say time is a construct?
my time is constantly slipping away from me, every year a little faster.

OUTLOOK ON 2019

what do you want the overarching theme of your 2019 to be?

self-acceptance & love. probably too big a theme for this feeble human shell.

what do you want to see, discover, explore?

EVERYTHING. i have plans of returning to france in march next year, and the czech republic in september and maybe the baltic sea in summer again? also, visiting all kinds of cute places all over germany, for example hamburg in january. more nature in general. more art. more musicians. i want to do a special trip, maybe to england? I LOVE EXPLORING ( and exploding over the sheer overload of explorations ).

who do you want to spend more time with in 2019?

of course my friends & family. 💕

what skills do you want to learn, improve or master?

improving my photography, maybe? maybe draw again? and maybe also try myself at writing again? or learning how to create a music magazine for your ears on the internets ( i wish there weren't so many regulations, though ).

which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?

for sure, resiliance. and working on being more giving and altruistic without being frustrated over my inability to being more giving and altruistic 😂

what do you want your everyday life to be like?

without stressors & anxiety & procrastination. full of love & exploration. ( seriously, i can't believe how unattainable this actually is! a girl can dream, though :P ) i want a perfect life balance, thank u!

which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?

this list would be too fucking long if i elaborated on it. to make it short: CHANGE procrastination. CULTIVATE acceptance. GET RID OF self-perception.

what do you want to achieve career-wise?

nothing. i want to sooner or later say goodbye to my current job, because it's pretty much toxic to me in the overall scheme of my life, but i also know it's not as easy as it sounds, knowing that i am not equipped and educated enough for a different career path. and in all honesty, i basically don't want a corporate job at all, but that's what's paying the bills. and the thought of applying alone sends a heavy sweat all over my body. i am not good with presenting myself to possible employers. hell, because if you're not convinced of yourself how do you convince others?

how do you want to remember the year 2019 when you look back on it 20 years from now?

the year of self-acceptance and more nice adventures, and less self-hate.

what is your number one goal for 2019?

no goals. wait. one. EXPLORING.