wild little kesselbach.
my cousin from berlin came to visit me at the very end of august. i have a little ambivalent connection to him, actually. which means i don't really know how to feel about him (but to be very honest, i never really know how to feel about people in general). he's a good person, i think, but he makes me quite uncomfortable at times. maybe because he wants to know so many things about my life. i'm often very secretive, because i never have anything good to report. also, he's quite an optimist, whereas i am such a pessimist, and the clash is always ... strange. but in the end... i do like him. kind of. sometimes he feels a tad bit too inquiring.
he came with good news, though, mainly that he was in a relationship again! which made me feel quite glad, since for the past 2 years he had been very mopey about it. i always feel very intimidated by this. i can't give any good advice on how to overcome a broken heart, other than to just get over it, and let time pass by until it doesn't hurt as much anymore. i get that this is not exactly the best advice for someone who's fresh out of a relationship. well, i mean, my last relationship was about 10 years ago, so who am i to give any advice? i also was the one who ended it, and even though it was hard, i was not the one who got her heart broken. so... it's very uncomfortable for me to be surrounded by someone who asks me how i can stand to be alone for such a long time. all i can say is that you get used to it. you try to do things on your own, try to challenge yourself doing things alone ( especially things that are often done as a couple - like taking a walk through nature, visiting the movie theater or going on concerts etc ). and for all the rest, well, intimacies are scaled down to a minimum, but that's something you also get used to. in my case i slowly seem to unlearn it. in fact, i am willfully unlearning the desire to want intimacies, as i feel so abnormal about it. like it shouldn't be one of my desires to have sex when there is no one around me who thinks i'm attractive enough for that. i know, it's a strange thing, and probably unhealthy, too. but it's the way it is. after 10 years of being single you start to accept that this means you are not attractive or desirable enough for someone. it's too much of a time loss. the 20ies are for exploring your sexuality and finding out who's a good fit to your puzzle piece, or so they say, but that never was true for myself. i deem myself quite unfit for any relationship whatsoever. must have something to do with my poor self-perception. i tried to work on that in the past, but i always somehow started at point zero. seems like i am also unable to accept myself as valid enough for human-ness. by now i'm at a point where, even though i'm hyper-aware of my deficits, i don't even try to change anymore. at least when it comes to this particular bit of myself. i tried so many times, but i'm so tired of it. instead i choose to work on other parts of my personality, like the fact that i need to work on not taking things personally or not participating in drama & upheavals, scaling down my perfectionism streak. seems a lot more important right now, than to mend my self-perception problems in order to 'get more desirable'. like why should i stress out about this, when in fact i could use this energy way better to change more important issues. i'd rather forget about my looks & appearance and focus on changing my interaction problems.
well, back to my cousin. there was a time when i though he might be interested in me, but seems to turn out that my brain conjures up the strangest scenarios. he's generally a guy who needs more comfort ( he has had quite a few difficult times in the past, with his brother passing away a few years ago and his father suffering heart attacks, strokes & aorta rips ) and that might mean that he was more needy than usual. not in an imposing kind of way, not at all, even though to me it might've felt like it, because i am so unaccustomed to a more intimate friendship - which basically means, that you hug each other when someone is distressed or try to have a deeper understanding of the other one's problems and sorrows. i am very bad at making others feel understood & comforting them. so when someone really needs a bit of consolation & solace i am at most very overwhelmed with that and start seeing motives or attitudes that built up in my brain as improper. even though nothing really happened. i guess i have a little paranoid tendency to look at things... or whatever you would call it ( skepticism? alertness? idk ) fact is, the time he's been with me ( 3 days ) were actually not bad, i did enjoy his company mostly. i am generally a loner, so of course it feels strange to have someone else around 24 hours a day, but i think we managed quite well. or should i rather say, i (!) managed quite well, haha. we visited some must see areas in wiesbaden, had a look at an art exhibition that took place in the city, visited our local animal park & ate some fantastic meals. all in all it was a good weekend ( excluding some ( to me ) uncomfortable discussions about death, love & life - with me being the downer in that interaction, like always, lol ).
before we get to the pictures of this weekend i still have a few other ones left from a little end of summer walk around the adamstal ( a little valley in the north of wiesbaden, part of the foothills of the taunus mountains ).
passed by some paddocks ( the hofgut adamstal is around the corner, an estate that focusses on horse riding & care ).
it was really idyllic out there, with the horses grazing peacefully on the meadows.
the kesselbach is a really dozy little stream. and awfully pretty!
a squirrel said hi to me! love meeting these little guys 💗
a wooden throne for forest nobilities.
met another horse. this one was relaxing in the sand.
here are the pictures from the weekend with my cousin. a few words to this:
i handed over my camera to him, as he expressed the desire for trying it out. so most of these pictures are actually not mine, technically they are his. so, enjoy the view out of my cousin's eyes.
made a walk through the kurpark, wiesbaden's most important park.
one of these egyptian geese seems to be a little drunk 😂
the trees started to turn red slowly, as you can see here. when this happens it's basically the beginning of my favourite time of the year - autumn!
still, everything was on a very lush level, though. overgrown & jungle-y.
rode the nerobergbahn, another thing you have to do when in wiesbaden. the neroberg is our house hill and you have the best wiesbaden view from up there.
the funicular railway itself.
when you reach the top of the hill you can already peak the golden onion domes of the russian orthodox church st. elizabeth. this building is quite iconic.
we passed by the church to continue walking down into the city again. but not without having to take photos of some tourists ( not pictured, though ).
sometimes you stumble upon the most unexpected gems. this little forgotten house was probably build around the 50ies to 70ies, but now is just a ruin in the middle of a neighborhood that consists of expensive villas & mansions. i bet it will get torn down sooner or later ( maybe it already happened ) to make place for another modern & exclusive appartment house. i loved the railing with the circles!
closer view onto the porch. i really would like to explore such places more deeply, but as it's in such a populated area of the city there's no other way than to desist from taking a closer look. you never know who watches you. especially when it's a fenced in property. ( this house wasn't fenced in, though, the entry gate was wide open. we still didn't dare to have a closer look ).
a beautiful garden pavilion we discovered while moving on.
in the afternoon ( after visiting the afore mentioned art exhibitons - i documented this on my instagram account ;) ) we made our way to the rhine river. a little bad weather front was building up, which always makes for good dramatic photo conditions.
my cousin sneakily made photos of me. i actually really dislike other people taking pictures of me, but some of these weren't so bad, actually. this was shot into the direction of the schierstein/biebrich districs.
some more old structures were found along the way.
i have some more photos of that weekend coming. stay tuned.
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