meandering from here to there.

a lot of things happen lately. days go by too fast, almost, but i try to enjoy every minute of them. it's like i barely have enough time for myself. the decision of letting go off my hunger for love ( you know, that love a woman is supposed to feel towards a man or the other way 'round. ) was the best i have done yet. you know, i love life so much more now. i don't pressure myself anymore. i don't care about my being strange anymore. i am. it's a fact. and it's exactly what i want. i want to be myself, so my decision was easy. i feel nauseaous when being around guys, have to choke myself down. and i hate this feeling. never knowing what they think about me. and then realizing that they don't even do think about me in a special way. it hurts. it hurt. but i don't want it to hurt me anymore. so that's it. enough. just enjoying my time here on earth. i have enough love in my life. and if this love will be gone someday, if death comes and takes my dear ones, then i will know that it was a good time we had on earth. concentrating on these relationships is much more worth than waiting for one that may never come.

nici and me.

soaking wet after a small thunderstorm.

another animal park visit with my dearest l.!

picknicking!

an old wolf, blind on one eye.

chewing bread.

wild boar piglets!

dead rabbit for the wild cats.

being a cool cat.

or a chill out cat.

the nutrias have a new home! now you can examine them so much better!

baby nutria!

it was so adorable!

foot love with l.

and lying under redwoods is the best thing ever. these trees are so majestic and so full of life. i really want to visit america in the future and visit a whole lot more of these gigantic guys. because the ones we were lying under were relatively small and young.

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may '20: seeking modernism.

super pink rhododendron buds emerging! i start off this post with some flower images to appreciate and praise the time of spring, especially the month of may, which is the most abundant spring month to me personally. all the blossoms, all the fresh greens amass during may, and my heart and mind are hardly ever able to not frolick & gush about it all! for this post i am returning to one walk i did with the sole purpose to find a special mid-century villa in königstein ( which would ultimately prove to be a failure - i did find it, but i couldn't approach it properly to have a good look at it and only ever saw a tiny bit of the garden/forest side ). the whole walk was not a letdown, though, as i did find some other mid-century & brutalism gems and thoroughly enjoyed walking through the old spa town in the taunus mountains. rhododendron shrubs yield all kinds of different blossoms in myriad colours, they are easy to breed, therefore a wide variety can be found all over the wor...

july '20: lake petersdorf discoveries and a plea against genocide.

the green wild meadows of malchow's sandfeld. in the west of malchow there is a big chunk of forest that spans towards plauer see, a widely 'uncultivated' area these days, but it hasn't always been this way. in my last post i mentioned the nazi munition factory that had been built in these woods, away from prying eyes of their enemies and where they also built an external subcamp for the concentration camp ravensbrück. exactly these woods we explored on a pretty sunny day, betraying the darkness that happened around these parts. isn't it weird that there are places in this world that were built or used by dark forces and horrible regimes and you vist them 80 years later and they are the most peaceful places you can imagine? sometimes my brain can't cope with the contrast of knowing what was in the past and what the present looks and feels like. it definitely leaves me with a strange impression often, kind of like a little sting in my heart and brain that is not ...

november: thuringian forest.

the day we visited the thuringian forest near luisenthal we would also receive the death notice of my cousin. while the day in luisenthal was pretty magic - i even found a goat skull to take home for my not so fast growing skull collection - the time we got home and received the phone call of my grandmother, everything went dull. we always had hoped for him to recover - over the course of his sickness there were multiple times we'd thought he was on his way up, but that also counted for the times it was clear that the cancer was severe and probably not defeatable. in the end he fought four years, but he couldn't conquer. his constant optimism & general good will wasn't enough as his body decided to give up on him. i'm still thinking a lot about him, he was such a good natured guy, always seeing the good in everything and everyone. it's so strange to know that he's never going to be on any future family party gathering again. we discussed so many things whe...

ghost of nature.

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