in the vineyard hills in rüdesheim, with a view on st. jakobus, the rhine river and hessia's neighbouring state rhineland-palatinate.
a little disclaimer: this post contains a ( long ) personal account about the end of my last relationship, so if you don't want to read that and want to look at pretty pictures, just skip ahead. it's also going to be the last time i talk about the whole incident as i am basically at the point where i simply want to move on. i guess i'm also writing it down as a way to process it all, and as some form of remembrance, should i have the need to go back later in life and commemorate what was and what experiences i lived through. after all, this IS some sort of personal diary.
after we returned to germany i had another week off, which i spent the first few days at my parent's place, as there were some family meetings happening and some appointments i had to attend ( i broke off a tooth in czechia, after i bit into a mentos candy twice (😅 ) and consequently needed some dental care ). in the middle of the week i returned - with my parents in tow. in my mind that wasn't planned first, i initially wanted to come back on my own and spend some uninterrupted time with my ex. somehow though, i seemed to have forgotten that my parent's plans had involved coming to hessia in this second week as well. i told him about the change of plans, and i have to agree, it was a bit sudden and unexpected, so i asked if it was okay for him to which i got a positive answer. in the same breath i asked if we could meet up in the middle of the week and schedule for a meet-up with my parents, going out together and dining at a restaurant and maybe i could sleepover at his place afterwards, so we would finally see each other again. another yes! which was exciting, because i was super anxious about possible meet-ups beforehand and the first time we tried an introduction it didn't take place as it was too much of a stressor for the both of us? mostly to me, i think... it was a huge deal for me, as it is for anyone of course.
well, in my head i thought i could sleep over at his place for a few days, while my parents would do some things on their own, but he mentioned that he'd be busy later in the week, so i decided to not ask him if we could spend some more days together and just enjoy that one day we had and then return to my parents so he could focus on his tasks. well, in retrospect i should've talked to him about that, about all of our respective plans and the changes. but i didn't, as i am not the type to dig deeper when things are not explicitly mentioned. i guess that is quite a faulty thing to do in a relationship... but since i've been single for 10 years prior... never really having someone around who i had to adjust to ( except my parents and my friends, who all are pretty easy in that aspect ), i didn't think of it as too much of a problem. actually, for me, it was absolutely no problem. i am the person who, when someone tells me that they have something else planned, is registering that as a legit fact and i will take that information and nod it off without questions, since i hate to intervene or standing in the way. i wasn't even that sad about it, as i knew we would soon enough have time for each other again, and two weeks without seeing each other, well, while it is not the coolest thing, it was definitely something i could absolutely live with. these vacations were exceptional circumstances, because i had them planned prior to when i met him, though it was my fault that i mixed up my initial plans for the second week entirely which, after our relationship ended, i regretted for the longest time. i think that was the main catalyst for what was to come. and then came three more fauxpas that basically sealed the deal for our relationship. the first being that when we met up for the dinner in front of my home i left him with my parents for a few minutes to carry something up into my flat, which, i get it now, was super shitty of me, as that initial time is crucial and most stressful for anyone meeting the first time. the second fauxpas was that the restaurant i wanted to take them all to was closed... which was so embarassing for me that i basically cried all evening about it lol. the third one was the last straw, though and it happened after i had introduced him to my parents ( which overall was a pretty great meeting, despite the hickups, they all interacted well with each other, it was quite a lovely evening in the end, with tasty indian cuisine and nice chitchat ).
basically, on the day i went to rüdesheim with my parents, i wanted to first meet up with an old friend of mine ( since, remember, my ex had plans for the weekend, as he had told me beforehand, so i basically adjusted my schedule to that and made new plans with some of my own friends and my family ). that friend had to cancel our meeting in the morning, but as i am not someone who lets such things butcher my day, my parents and i decided to visit rüdesheim. and what a nice time we spent there! it was a glorious sunny day, the vineyards glowed golden, the rhine river was sparkling and in the mountains of the middle rhine valley the early morning fog created a hazy and mysterious atmosphere - a perfect autumn day, right out of the books. it was a most wonderful and fulfilling day and little did i know that by the end of it things would turn a little sour.
i reconnected with him in the evening to report on the day and mentioned that i missed him and that it would've been nice if he had been with us as well to enjoy that perfect day... it was a statement that carried no ill-will or hidden message, nor an underlying assertion. but somehow it seemed to not sit well with him. he stated that if i had wanted him to be there, i should've asked him whether he had any plans for that particular day and maybe he would've been able to reschedule some of his plans. i sat there quite dumbfounded, then told him that this was maybe a misunderstanding, as he had clearly mentioned before that he had 'some' plans and since that statement is good enough for me to not inquire more thoroughly i didn't even think to ask him again. i am not one who questions finalized plans but accepts them and adjusts accordingly without too much asking. after all, i think that everyone should still retain their freedom to do what they please, you know, i'd rather give space to my partner than to be clingy or demanding and ask about each and every single detail. when i asked him if he had any plans that weekend and he replied that he had 'some' plans, i simply didn't think of asking what kind of plans and whether we could make space for each other... because to me his reply said simply: i have plans. and that was it. no big deal. i didn't feel rejected at all and to me it seemed that he didn't want to elaborate more on his plans, so i just went with it, thought nothing bad of it and moved on.
the last few words in this 'argument' ( it didn't feel like one to me back then ) in an attempt to pacify, i told him that i had no hard feelings about this, that we both still had good days after all and everything was fine. that next time i would make the effort and ask more questions and ask for more details instead of assuming that his plans were set in stone. to which he replied that we were talking past each other. i didn't understand the problem and told him so and earned a reply that said that there was no problem. totally confused about this i again asked how i should react and what i should change about my behaviour... and i got no answer. for two days.
looking back this probably made him feel like i didn't take him into consideration at all. which must've been what made him realize that i was not a match to him. and for that i am sorry. even today. it must've shown him that i didn't carry around the necessary amount of empathy and fine tuned intuition he sought after in a fulfilling partnership.
after those two days were over i couldn't take the silence no more and finally asked if the whole incident was indeed a problem to him, despite him telling me that there was no problem?
and at long last, he opened up and told me what had troubled him, all along, even for a longer time than i initially thought. while he disclosed his issues with our relationship i still believed i could put in the work and reflect, and then adjust my behaviour and the way i handle social situations and the dispute would eventually settle again... but it didn't. i won't go into detail here, because break-ups are nasty and i don't want to pry open old wounds again. fact is, that even though i understood his points and knew where he was coming from, i was deeply hurt. i understood that i lacked important qualities that were important to him and i understood that he wasn't willing to invest more into our relationship because of personal issues as well. all his qualms about us were entirely relatable. i realized that i couldn't change a thing if i tried to be more open, more approachable, more emotional. if i tried to argue with him, try to assure him that i was willing to change and adapt and be more present for him, it still wouldn't change a thing. we were not a match.
and i didn't fight against it. i let him go. i wouldn't have had the energy to fight for something that even though i could understand at some level, wasn't able to change in the end. nothing i could've done would've changed a tiny bit. that was the main realization. and while he assured me that it wasn't entirely my fault... it absolutely felt like my fault. i could've done more, i could've done better. but i failed. and that was what hurt most and embarassed me to no end. that even though i had opened myself up, tore some of my achilles tendons and laid my guts out before him, so he could understand me better, i still didn't manage to 'secure' this chance at a relationship. to make it a real deal. to make someone my companion, after being single for such a long time. i had always had problems opening up to possible suitors, and on the few occassions i did in the past, like truly trying to show my deepest fears, my darkest side, my vulnerable moments, things have never turned out well for me. it always scared them off or i shut myself off because i couldn't see an understanding. so opening up got harder and harder until i eventually believed that there was no hope for me anymore, and i accepted it fully... and then i fell in love again and it felt so good, so right, and especially SAFE. i knew from the start that of course relationships are not an easy game, that there would be hickups and sad times, that there would be misunderstandings and failures, but i was at a place where i felt able to tackle all this and turn out good in the end. there was finally an emotion inside of me that was not led entirely by fear, the fear to scare someone away with who i am, but actually some real positive hope that this could be something true and longlasting. it all felt so good! and i don't know why it did? sometimes i am not sure how i wasn't able to detect any warning signs, and even if i had discovered any, how i was able to deceive and tell myself that if there were any problems we would overcome them together and let our relationship be a work in progress. as all relationships are, right? there's not a single relationship out there that is not a work in progress - a never ending case of tries and errors that you try to work out together, if you are of some decent mindset.
well... and what also bore deep into me was the fact that he had never felt comfortable enough to show me his vulnerable side more. he didn't feel safe telling me what was on his mind when things annoyed him or saddened him. my suspicion is that i wasn't able to convince him of my empathy for his situations. and it's true, i sometimes had problems saying the right thing, had problems sensing awkward moments and showing understanding gestures. but i wouldn't say i lacked the empathy, as i could absolutely feel his pain... in the end i think, i was just not equipped with the necessary life experience to handle his emotions in an adequate way. and also, i unfportunately have the tendency to gloss over problems and shy away from confrontation, which might've also been a crucial part of the breakup.
now, over a year later, there is just one thing left to say. i speak with no ill will of him. i have mostly good memories of our time together. it had been a time of many blisses, despite the darker shadows lurking behind some of them and the sudden end of it all.
i now cherish the time we spent together, even though i had a lot of dark moments after we broke up in which i sometimes regretted that i invested so much of myself into something that ultimately wasn't made for the long run. i had a hard time getting over it, because i blamed myself for it entirely. i couldn't forgive myself for being such a failure. in such a state of shame i never replied to his last message to me, in which he told me that he hoped we would meet again, as friends. i couldn't bring myself to conjure up the same hope. i still can't. and i realized, i don't want to. i don't want to meet again as friends. i wish him all the best for his life and hope he will find the love he needs and that i couldn't give him. he deserves to be loved the way he needs it.
but i don't want to be part of that anymore. and so i let it rest. and so it is.
going forward i don't think i will settle for life in a relationship. i will continue to work on understanding and accepting and loving myself ( despite it being ridiculously hard ) and try living a full life on my own, developing and finetuning my interests and needs in life, enjoying what many surprises it has in store for me, and maybe if i am able to accomplish that, i will eventually be at a place where romantic relationships sound like a good deal again. but i won't stress it. and i won't let other people define my worthiness by judging my relationship status. being single is not a bad thing. family and friends might be sad about me not creating a family or strutting through life with a partner ( and i sometimes feel guilty for not being the kind of success they maybe wish for me ) but in the end, what good is it when it always ends in sadness and depression and feelings of unworthiness? i want to be happy. but i don't want to achieve happiness through pain and hurt. and being in relationships or better, trying to navigate the sheer monster that a relationship actually is, it rarely and only temporarily brought me joy and happiness but in fact carried greater sadnesses with them. and i am not sure if i'm willing to give myself away like this again. like it kills off something inside me everytime. and maybe i want to at least preserve a tiny little bit of self-respect after all...
so, now that i got this all off my chest and hopefully don't have to dig it up too much in the future anymore, let's enjoy those last golden moments of autumn 2018 - the day that the biggest adventure of that year ended.
and what a day it was! sometimes i think that the universe sort of gifted me such a splendid and gorgeous day so i would be able to cope with the break-up better. to shield me somehow. to provide myself with the necessary tools to not break down when the reality hit, like it often did whenever things ended. i went through the aftermath hurt, yes, but instead of crying and despair, i felt a different thing... wanting to steel up and march on, letting go as quickly as i could. at least that's what i chose to believe. it was an uneven path, with lots of fallbacks and bitter moments, but also with important realizations that i'm grateful for and now, looking at these pictures i also realize that the old saying is true: that pain and happiness are very close friends. one can never subsist on its own. where there is pain, there is also golden moments of happiness. and i think that we can only survive the pain when we take those times of bliss and fortune and focus on them. to remind ourselves that there is a different light at the end. it might not be golden, but it might illuminate things in a way that is refracting, like in a prism. and just like it is with year-round seasons, it all depends on the field of vision. the perspective. so, while nothing gold can stay all year round, maybe that offers a chance to give the rainbow an appearance. and it will bring other experiences, that shine equally as bright and that you are going to enjoy until you eventually welcome gold back. just like the seasons. changing and meandering.
and now, after half a novella... let's enjoy a walk through the vineyards of rüdesheim ❤
rüdesheim is known to be surrounded by miles and miles of vineyards, and especially in autumn they strike you visually, forming a sea of golden leaves. it is a last flourishing of nature before winter grips you with its cold hands and banishes colour under a filter of grey.
our path presented us with the most beautiful views on rüdesheim and bingen ( on the other side of the rhine river ). and that fog you see in the back? it was like a divine gift from mother earth, creating tranquility and sereneness.
we didn't climb on top of the hill towards the niederwalddenkmal this time ( on the upper right part of the photo ), but it always was in sight. instead we aimed for the little lift in the middle of the image, a a rock formation called ramstein.
my mom in a sea of gold.
wayside crosses are mandatory in vineyards. they were put up to prey for good crops and as a blessing.
the view back to rüdesheim. quite a breathtaking sight!
reaching the top of the ramstein rocks you can find a local picnic area. i think someone forgot their barbeque cooking grate.
this was the view from the ramstein rocks. the vineyard hill it is situated on is called rottland hill, which grows excellent sweet grapes for riesling wine. apparently the wine from this site is very sought after and even generates some of the most expensive white wine of the rheingau region. the little island in the middle of the rhine river is the rüdesheimer aue. the rhine had a really low water level back then, that's why you can see quite a bit of the river's shoals. on the other side of the river you can see the foothills of the rochusberg ( a hill belonging to the city of bingen ). on top of it the silhouette of the rochuskapelle is visible - a little quaint chapel. behind that lies germany's largest wine growing region - rheinhessen ( rhenish hesse ).
a ferry service is provided between rüdesheim and bingen, and from the ramstein rocks you can perfectly watch them crossing the river back and forth. the sunlight was shining in such a way that the water of the river was glistening brightly, like a sea of little diamonds.
a view on the city of bingen ❤ the hills surrounding it are part of the hunsrück mountain range, they are called binger wald ( bingen forest ).
lingering fog over the bingen forest.
this statue was picture perfect for the mystic atmosphere!
it's maria and a few putti watching over the vineyards.
vines upon vines. yellow and blue are such complementing colours, aren't they? especially in nature. so delicious.
bingen views again! on the left you can see the silhouette of klopp castle.
my favourite animals to find in the vineyards of the rheingau are these cuties: wall lizards. they always hide inbetween the cracks of the walls of the vineyard terraces. i can assure you that on a very sunny day hundreds of them can be caught bathing in the warmth of the sun. we eventually started to count them on our walk and i made it to 100 lizards that day!
i love these little dinosaurs ❤
camouflaged staircase.
on our path you could find lots of information on the vineyard sites and the natural conditions of the mountains. the rocky part you can see here above the walls shows argillaceous schists.
the large walls of the schlossberg vineyard site always feel so monumental and dramatic. the schlossberg vineyard is very steep and hard to cultivate, but it produces the finest riesling wine of all the rüdesheim vineyards, very flavoursome and tangy. i've once had a wine from this site and it was the most delicious thing i ever tasted! they are fruity, sweet and absolutely divine.
when you are texture obsessed you will LOVE these terrace walls! all kinds of rocks are used in these and they all have different textures and colours and it's basically overload for my brains 😅
oooooh, hello again 😘
give me all the warm earth tones ❤
protruding schist rocks break up the neatly regrouped vineyard landscapes from time to time.
we finally ended up underneath a site called drachenstein ( dragon rock ) from which you had a fantastic view over the steep sloping of the vineyards towards bingen.
amongst the golden vine leaves a few bordeaux red strays mix in as well! most european vines have yellow autumn colouration, but sometimes red variations can be found, too. i find those really lovely, but you can mostly find them on house walls, as they produce really small fruit only and therefore basically aren't used for wine production.
i love holding autumn leaves against the sun, brings out the glow so beautifully!
we found some grapes still on the vines, probably remaining there until they are frozen over. those grapes are used for ice wine, which is the epitome of wine ( at least in my opinion ). what is special about ice wine is that it contains a higher fruit acid and a sweetness that is incomparable, making it a wonderful dessert wine! as a lover of sweet white wine this sort of beverage is basically the most noble and classy for people like me. it is really expensive and also not produced in huge masses, because during the growing process it can come to the loss of the crop when certain temperatures aren't achieved ( you need about minus 7 C to have them freeze in a way that turns the grapes into highly concentrated must - and in some years that doesn't happen - which results in losing the entire harvest, as the grapes then turn basically into raisins ). additionally you can only create ice wine in regions that go through defined seasons, which basically limits the production of it to places like europe and canada and even there only a few regions have the perfect conditions to be able to make ice wine. germany is most well know for its ice wine worldwide, and probably also offers some of the best.
we were sneaky and picked a few grapes ( which you shouldn't do, as it is actually forbidden to steal them 🙈 ) and tested how sweet they were. i love grapes when they are as sunburnt as this, as it means that they have the best fruit sweetness then. super delicious!
we eventually turned around and made our way back to rüdesheim again, passing by some storage shelters. some of them are made out of concrete ( which is super rare, as most of them are much older, therefore built in timber-frame construction ).
villa kunterbunt ( villa villekulla from the children's book character pippi longstocking ;) ). it was really dilapidated but with a little bit of imagination and love this could be made into a wonderful little shelter! seriously, the state of some of these shelters makes me so sad. i wish someone would turn them into tiny houses or something! this one could have a real bauhaus mood ;)
at long last we made out the two church towers of st. hildegard, or eibingen abbey.
st. hildegard is a women's convent overlooking the vineyards and rüdesheim majestically. the convent was built on that site from 1900 - 1908, but the community was founded way back in medieval times, in 1165 by the nun hildegard of bingen. the first convent was founded by her on the other side of the rhine river in bingen, that one soon lost its meaning after hildegard died, though. the nuns from that convent moved to eibingen soon, where they also preserved the order's relics and treasures. in 1804 the community was disestablished. in 1904 the beuron congregation reestablished the community again and sent off some of their nuns to eibingen, where the new convent was built. the old buildings in eibingen village only were maintained as a parish church.
this abbey was our last destination that day, i haven't taken many pictures here, because i've been there lots and lots of times and think i captured it extensively. it is quite a beautiful building, inspired heavily by art nouveau. the interiors of this church always leave me a bit speechless, the light is wonderful in there. before i show you some more of the abbey, we continue our path to eibingen, though.
we found a green woodpecker in the grass between the grapevines! i've never seen one up close, always spotted ones. he rummaged around for worms.
quite a determined looking guy he was ;)
purest eye candy 😍
when we reached eibingen we passed by a vineyard with the colours of the german flag! black, red, gold.
eibingen itself is mainly a district of rüdesheim that's dedicated to the wine production. it defines the village's townscape everywhere. this beautiful carved window frame is typical for rüdesheim ( and the rheingau region ).
'wine delight's a person's heart'.
i also liked other details on the same facade, like these alcoves for plant pots.
and a little maria & jesus statue hidden in another alcove.
to reach the abbey we walked through the bänkergasse ( bench alley ), where in front of every house a bench was placed ( probably to invite people to sit down and rest a bit before escalading the hill to the abbey. ) this bench was a rarity, it had a low german sentence carved into it. it says: now sit down here and tell me something good. low german is not spoken in hessia at all, it is spoken in the north of germany. how this special bench made it down here, i can only guess ^^;
there were cute doors everywhere, but this one caught my eye because of the tiny details like the lantern and the door decorations itself. but also because of the pink slip of paper that announced a theatre showing for kids and adults.
the theatre group 'lampenfieber' ( stage fright ) would eventually perform a play that november called wuffelpuff, which was such an adorable title 😙 i looked it up and apparently it is about a planet called wuffelpuff on which a sickness broke out called mediatitis. to find an antidote against it, two residents of the planet, funkelrot and the goblin, travel around in the universe and encounter all sorts of strange beings. it sounds absolutely funny, and i sort of wish i had attended one of the shows! maybe i should watch out for more shows of that theatre group in the future?
almost there, the eibingen abbey st. hildegard.
above the main portal this crucifixion group 'welcomes' you into the church. it shows jesus at the cross of course and his mother maria, and jesus' favourite apostle, john.
the main portal graces a mosaic of a white dove.
the gate into the abbey's church.
the interiors of the church are painted in the style of the beuron art school, which was invented by benedectine monks around the change of the 20th century. i am always reminded of art nouveau and i am pretty sure that it got influenced by that specific movement, but also by the art of the ancient world, like greek and roman art. christ is seen here as a pantocrator, the king of the universe, with wide open arms as if he wants to embrace every human. the lambs directly underneath him are symbolic for the 12 apostles and christ himself. the 8 figures under the lambs are showing angels in white roman tunics ( which were the inspiration for the habit of the benedectine monks in early times ).
the view towards the main entry of the church. the side walls are also painted with scenes of religious importance. the art of the arches show the life of st. hildegard of bingen. above those arches there are paintings of scenes from the old testament and above those, where the little windows are, benedectine nuns.
the light that shines into the church in the afternoon creates a mystic atmosphere, something that always stood out to me whenever i visited this place.
the nave leads into the apse, but that is not the end of the church building, there's another separated area, which you can see here. it is the nun's choir, a part of the church where the nuns come together 6 times a day to celebrate the liturgy of the hours. you can't enter this part of the church, it is only reserved for the nuns. i've never visited the church during the divine office hours, so unfortunately i cannot tell you something about the special atmosphere that this practice might create.
we only stayed a few moments inside the church, then paid a visit to the abbey's cafe and the little shop ( where they offer lots of wonderful goodies - from self-made cookies to books about gardening, life and philosophy - there's something you can find for everyone, even for those who are not religious in any way - like me, lol ). i bought spelt cookies for a special someone, but never had the opportunity to deliver them. they were specifically made with ingredients that help soothe sadness of the heart and mind, to calm nerves. they were made with nutmeg, cinnamon and clove, and since i never got around to offer them to the one i bought them for, i devoured them all by myself and can attest that they made my little heart a little bit lighter ;) they were truly delicious, carrying a bit of the looming christmas season with them. makes me want to head back soon and get my yearly dose of nerve cookies 😁
after buying some gifts and knick-knacks we finally made our way back to the parking lot in rüdesheim, and eventually returned to wiesbaden for a chinese dinner, before the evening ended in confusion and disarray. i didn't yet know this when i shot the last picture of this entry, so this ends on a high note, with a gorgeous, almost divine moment in the vineyards. it was a last moment of illumination, before the gold of autumn and the past few months faded into the darkness of winter and made space for a gloomy mind.
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