traveling the world was one of her biggest dreams since she was a little kid. even though she had always been on trips with her family throughout her childhood and went on holidays with her parents every year, an idea, a dream, a long sought for wish of hers was finally taking the leap of traveling solo and discovering the world on her own. she suffered a disease called fernweh, the german word for wanderlust, having itchy feet for faraway places. another malady she suffered from was anxiety and this was what kept her from taking necessary steps towards this goal. she was a curious and open-minded nature, always having both eyes wide open for inspiration around her, looking at her world with children's eyes if it presented its best virtues to her, whether they were tiny or big, colorful or gray.
on a small scale she had already managed to go on solo trips in the area she lived in, short day trips just around the corner, and though she was quite proud of that she still wanted to get more out of these experiences. for example, she rarely managed to walk into a restaurant or cafe to order delicious food and just sit down by herself to enjoy a good cup of coffee, something she always told herself to do, but never succeeded. her thoughts were running wild in this process.
'let's go in, do the leap, it's just a step away, order that cake you want'.
'stay outside, you will act awkward, they will rise an eyebrow, they will think bad of you, acting all strange and weird. you will make a fool out of yourself. move on. ignore this desire, ignore the thirst, ignore the hunger.'
'don't be ridiculous. lots of people sit in restaurants, all on their own, and no one thinks of it as a big deal. you are just another one in a sea of guests, and they are here to make you happy with good service and good food. step inside. don't hesitate.'
'i'm actually not hungry enough, not thirsty enough, it's going to steal my time, the time i could use to explore the area a bit more. move on.'
the fear was always stronger than her desire.
situations like these also happened in other areas, whether it was checking out museums, going to concerts, deciding on which new city, which new area, which new region to visit.
her anxiety, her fear of doing something unheard of, the fear of possible interactions with actual real life people, the ones she dreaded so much in her day to day life, the fear of having to possibly encounter uncomfortable scenarios, it all stopped her in her tracks and think twice, before calling her plans off altogether.
'but one day', she said to herself, 'one day i will overcome my fear and will board those flights to the places i always wanted to see, i will plan that trip to this city i always wanted to explore, i will roam through the landscapes that i always admired in photos, i will call up that friend who lives in a different country and finally meet up.'
and in quiet moments, sometimes before going to bed and closing her eyes for a catnap, she dreamed up her own personal world trip. she would start her voyage in europe, working her way inside out, beginning with her mother country, visiting the biggest cities and the most beautiful remote landscapes it had to offer. next, she would enter the circle of neighboring countries, exploring all of them in detail, not leaving out one bit, dipping her head into the tiniest and most forgotten corners, visiting all the places she was interested in. and bit by bit, her circle would increase and widen, and the spiral would grow bigger as she walked on her path to see the whole world. her mind would stretch and expand, collecting more knowledge about the earth as she moved from country to country and storing it all into little boxes of memory. she ignored the fact that her mind would probably not be able to save all these memories well enough, and that she would maybe get tired of all the traveling and start searching for a home base again, after overindulging in things exotic and foreign. the dreaming continued and she made it to the faraway corners of the globe, the coldest and the hottest landscapes, the highest peaks and the lowest valleys. she would dream big until her eyelids started to get heavy and tired, falling asleep with a whirlwind of thought and images in her brain, a spiral so utterly mesmerizing it could hypnotize you.
waking up the next morning would bring a sobering realization that all she had dreamed in the night was just that: a dream too big to be true.
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