june was pretty uneventful. i did a few walks throughout the month, mostly city-related, but since i am already acquainted with it, there rarely is something new to document. june was actually more introverted for me. i retreated into my summer snail house, didn't meet a lot of people ( except people at work ) and generally i was in a pretty dark mood throughout this time.
summer isn't my most favourite time of the year, not mainly because it's so hot outside ( even though it is one of the reasons ), but because my mind is playing evil tricks on me. it often lurks me into shallow waters to drown me in a much deeper one. the rut i'm in often feels insurmountable. especially when you are considering your very own life situation and deem it wortless and not changeable.
a lot of things changed this month. i decided to sign a new contract which pays me less money, but has overtime compensation - which at this time is most important to me, because i felt so sucked out of energy with my old contract. i work less hours now, 39 instead of 42, which is also hopefully giving me a bit more peace. i still have to adjust to it, as i have to do the same amount of work in fewer time, but to be able to go home earlier or come to work later is already like a blessing.
i also quit my advancement training, as it was another factor that stressed me out about work. always having in the back of your mind that you have to learn for modules and preparing for the final tests was so tedious. i was already working so much and then sitting down to work even more... it didn't resonate well with my crazy head. now there's this pressure off of my mind as well.
that was the biggest change of it all, and it still has to sink in.
of course i want to get out of this job sooner or later, but right now, these baby steps are important for me. step by step i need to release myself out of this situation. some would tell me i should take radical actions, but i can't. there is so much i'd lose if i'd just quit everything. things need to be considered well.
sometimes i don't want to continue with my life anymore. giving myself up then sounds like a relief. but then i think of others, of my parents and a few of my friends and i realize that it would cause so much grief for them, a responsibility i don't want to have on my shoulders if i decided to croak. so i fight and try to conquer my brain and go on with this life that feels so senseless, just to make sure they can still be proud of me or that they don't have to blame themselves for not succeeding in helping me with advice and support.
and then there are those times when i love life so dearly, with all my heart, that it almos hurts. times spent outside in nature, exploring new places or eating out with friends ( with all the aftereffects of not feeling like an adequate person ), times of kindness and nourishment and all those little victories of overcoming my anxieties like finally going to a cupcake shop and buying some, or calling the garage for a car repair. those tiny things sometimes lift me up tremendously.
life is a big drag for me, but i want to try myself at it. i might not ever find something i love or want to do, but i have to live as long as possible, so i can say at the end... i tried.
inside my bedroom, pictures of egon schiele women.
sad times spent in bed.
the shadow my bedroom plants are throwing onto the wall.
i bought a balbina music box. balbina is my most recent music obsession. her music reflects so much of my innermost thoughts and feelings. she's a kindred spirit.
inside the box was a record, 2 cds ( über das grübeln album & nichtstun ep ), a poster and an origami sheet that i yet have to fold. the artwork is clean and minimal and i really love it for that. also included is a textbook for the lyrics.
a lot of june evenings were spent by the bedroom window, watching bats flying around and reflecting on life.
Comments