1.What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?:
i consciously experienced the magic of the sea ( baltic sea in particular ) and have fallen deeply in love with it. i went to kaiserslautern and visited its beautiful japanese garden. also experienced the craziness that is frankfurt/main. everything else that happened were things i already did before. got a new tattoo, visited friends, family, places. nothing spectacular.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
i was a bit more resolute at work, even though there's still so much that annoys me and will never get better. i'm not sure if i will continue this job in the future but for now it's better than nothing. i tried to meet more of my friends this year and i guess i was kind of good this time. i had a few depressions along the way, but all in all i guess my friends & family keep me sane and alive. and in case of enjoying moments in my life... i did not succeed so much. i try everyday and very hard to nourish happy and lovely and good things in life, but it's really difficult for me. my goal for next year is to try harder to just live and not think too much about consequences. in terms of writing and working on my writing – another fail this year. i guess i'm not a writer, and never will be.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?:
no.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
i was a bit more resolute at work, even though there's still so much that annoys me and will never get better. i'm not sure if i will continue this job in the future but for now it's better than nothing. i tried to meet more of my friends this year and i guess i was kind of good this time. i had a few depressions along the way, but all in all i guess my friends & family keep me sane and alive. and in case of enjoying moments in my life... i did not succeed so much. i try everyday and very hard to nourish happy and lovely and good things in life, but it's really difficult for me. my goal for next year is to try harder to just live and not think too much about consequences. in terms of writing and working on my writing – another fail this year. i guess i'm not a writer, and never will be.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?:
no.
5.What countries did you visit?:
no foreign country this year. i was in schleswig-holstein by the baltic sea. that was a very memorable visit and i intend to visit again next year. also made several trips to my home state thuringia, saxony-anhalt, north rhine-westphalia, saarland & rhineland-palatinate. and curved around in hesse, as well, mostly the rhine district.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?:
visiting more places here in germany, there's still so much to see and discover. i always thought that love was something i've missed a lot in 2011 and want to have more of, but i slowly realize that love in terms of loving a guy, being attracted to him body-wise and also as in an intimate relationship doesn't really apply to me anymore. i'm single for 5 years now, and i have the feeling that this is too much of a long span of time to properly think about starting a relationship ever again. especially since i don't have a lot of experience other than my first and last boyfriend. i guess chances for me finding someone who also loves me ( not me always loving the other one without being loved back ) aren't very high anymore as i grow older and develop more and more anxieties. so what i try to achieve next year is, to at least try to overcome some of my fears and angsts. i seriously lacked of self consciousness and believing in myself. i need to work on this, else i will never enjoy the time i have on this earth.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
my visit to the baltic sea this year. the sea calms me down and everything is so insignificant when you stare at the waves, strolling around on the beach finding mussels and stones and feeling the wind on your skin. the little trips with my parents and friends again. the mucc concert in january, which was all kinds of awesome. the earthquake and the nuclear disaster of japan in march. end of july – because i got my ladybug tattoo. august 13 – seeing dir en grey live in bochum. this memory is very deep in my heart. the time when i thought i found my other half – which is not important anymore by now. all the times depressions devastated me.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
no achievement this year... i wish there was, but i guess, i have everything i need in life – job, friends, car, somewhere to live & food. i would have liked it to experience a few personal achievements, but there was no big one.
9. What was your biggest failure of the year?:
no achievement this year... i wish there was, but i guess, i have everything i need in life – job, friends, car, somewhere to live & food. i would have liked it to experience a few personal achievements, but there was no big one.
9. What was your biggest failure of the year?:
not overcoming my anxieties in a major way. i guess i'm my own biggest failure. not finding love again. which lead me to the realization that intimate relationships are not my forte.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
no serious illnesses this year, except of my depressions and anxiety disorders. i had severaly injuries, but all were very harmless, some were self inflicted. from time to time i have back and head aches.
11. What was the best thing you bought?:(was bought for you)
a few clothes ( a black wool poncho, that i totally adore, my boots&braces shoes ), tickets for dir en grey & mucc concert, dum spiro spero limited edition set & uroboros cd by dir en grey, a record player for vinyls. cute stuff from my friends.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?:
nobody's.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?:
me, myself and i. and a few guys. two to be exact.
14. Where did most of your money go?:
rents, my car, food. like last year. dir en grey related stuff. presents for other people
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
dir en grey concert in august. a few other concerts of several artists along the way. visiting and visits of my beloved lea honey and a few other friends. my vacations at the baltic sea. trips with family & friends. illusions of love.
16. What songs will always remind you of 2011?:
dir en grey – vinushka; vanitas; glass skin; toguro; lotus; amon; different sense; diabolos; ware, yami tote; zakuro
björk – crystalline; virus; moon; thunderbolt; immature
la dispute – king park
knorkator – der weg nach unten;
jaurim – violent violet; #1;
fever ray – when i grow up; keep the streets empty for me;
tori amos – winter
florence & the machine – what the water gave me
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i) ...happier or sadder?:
i guess it's the same sadness as last year. probably even a bit sadder.
ii) thinner or fatter?:
a tiny bit thinner.
iii) richer or poorer?:
not richer nor poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
writing, going out on my own.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
overthinking everything, living an actual life instead of hiding in my snailshell, but this is such a weird thing to say, since i need to learn how to overcome my own shadow first.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
my parents will celebrate with me in wiesbaden. the first time not having christmas at 'home'! i'm kind of excited.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011?:
i) ...happier or sadder?:
i guess it's the same sadness as last year. probably even a bit sadder.
ii) thinner or fatter?:
a tiny bit thinner.
iii) richer or poorer?:
not richer nor poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
writing, going out on my own.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
overthinking everything, living an actual life instead of hiding in my snailshell, but this is such a weird thing to say, since i need to learn how to overcome my own shadow first.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
my parents will celebrate with me in wiesbaden. the first time not having christmas at 'home'! i'm kind of excited.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011?:
oh, i'm always in love. in love with a certain someone that i will never be able to truly reach out to. that doesn't even know of me. and i fell for someone, but actually i think it was just my hormones going crazy. i decided i will not fall in love with anybody ever again.
23. How many one night stands?:
none.
none.
24. What were your favorite TV programs?:
tatort. nothing else is better.
tatort. nothing else is better.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no. except the human society.
26. What was the best book you read?
jonathan safran foer's extremely loud & incredibly close.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
la dispute, gotye, florence & the machine
28. What did you want and get?:
precious time with my family & friends. dir en grey & mucc concert tickets, dir en grey uroboros & dum spiro spero albums.
la dispute, gotye, florence & the machine
28. What did you want and get?:
precious time with my family & friends. dir en grey & mucc concert tickets, dir en grey uroboros & dum spiro spero albums.
29. What did you want and not get?:
a clear thinking mind. love.
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
a clear thinking mind. love.
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
american history x. ( classic )
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
i worked on my birthday turning 23. i think one day after that i met up with n. and we had lunch and cupcakes. on the weekend i drove home and we went to the zwiebelmarkt in weimar, enjoying good music and food.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
can't think of anything in particular except of love. or having not so many depressions.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?:
continueing the minimal retro thing. adding more black, grey, red.
34. What kept you sane?:
my family and friends. movies ( at least some of them ). visiting places. like last year.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
kyo. the rest of dir en grey. björk. knorkator. mucc.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
nuclear disaster in japan. nuclear energy discussion in germany.
37. Who did you miss?:
my parents, my cat, friends, kyo.
38. Who was the best new person you met?:
k. & j. even though everything's different now, but when i met them i was mildly surprised.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
basically this:
my family and friends. movies ( at least some of them ). visiting places. like last year.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
kyo. the rest of dir en grey. björk. knorkator. mucc.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
nuclear disaster in japan. nuclear energy discussion in germany.
37. Who did you miss?:
my parents, my cat, friends, kyo.
38. Who was the best new person you met?:
k. & j. even though everything's different now, but when i met them i was mildly surprised.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
basically this:
i used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme foolishness. i no longer think that. there's nothing foolish in loving anyone. thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
-bingo by rita mae brown
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
knorkator – der weg nach unten ( the way down )
Unter den Gräsern
Nähre ich mich von Dunkelheit,
Viele Tage schon,
Besessen und furchtlos.
Kleine Welt,
Die ich ertasten kann.
Ab und zu
Find ich Kupfererz,
Diamanten und Granit.
Doch es siegt
Jener Teil in mir,
Der mich immer weiter zieht.
Nähre ich mich von Dunkelheit,
Viele Tage schon,
Besessen und furchtlos.
Kleine Welt,
Die ich ertasten kann.
Ab und zu
Find ich Kupfererz,
Diamanten und Granit.
Doch es siegt
Jener Teil in mir,
Der mich immer weiter zieht.
Zeig mir den Weg nach unten.
Ich hasse den Tag,
Ich hasse das Licht.
Zeig mir den Weg ins Dunkle,
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Ich hasse den Tag,
Ich hasse das Licht.
Zeig mir den Weg ins Dunkle,
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Wohlige Kälte
Lindert das Fieber tief in mir.
Feuchter Erdgeruch,
Ich höre mein Graben.
Die Substanz
Des Bodens ändert sich.
Bin ich schon
Durch den Mittelpunkt?
Kein Gefühl für Raum und Zeit.
Dann kommt Licht
Und ein Känguruh
Und ich weiß, ich bin zu weit.
Lindert das Fieber tief in mir.
Feuchter Erdgeruch,
Ich höre mein Graben.
Die Substanz
Des Bodens ändert sich.
Bin ich schon
Durch den Mittelpunkt?
Kein Gefühl für Raum und Zeit.
Dann kommt Licht
Und ein Känguruh
Und ich weiß, ich bin zu weit.
Zeig mir den Weg nach unten.
Ich hasse den Tag,
Ich hasse das Licht.
Zeig mir den Weg ins Dunkle,
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Ich hasse den Tag,
Ich hasse das Licht.
Zeig mir den Weg ins Dunkle,
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
Wo Einsamkeit herrscht,
Kein Spiegel für mein Gesicht.
english translation:
under the seeds
i nourish the darkness,
for many days already,
obsessed and dauntless.
this little world
i can palpate.
from time to time
i find copper ore,
diamonds and granite.
but the part of myself
which always drags me along
prevails.
show me the way down
i hate the day,
i hate the light.
show me the way down
where solitude reigns,
no mirror for my face.
comforting coldness
soothes the fever in me.
humid earth smell,
hearing myself digging.
the substance of the soil
is changing.
am i already at the epicentre?
no sense of space and time.
then there is light
and a cangaroo
and i know i'm too far.
show me the way down
i hate the day,
i hate the light.
show me the way down
where solitude reigns,
no mirror for my face.
41.What was your favorite moment of the year?
this year's autumn weather. and the time i spent at the baltic sea.
42. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
the time after the dir en grey concert in august. and the end of the year 2011.
43. Where were you when 2011 began?
wiesbaden, hessia.
44. Who were you with?
work colleagues.
45. Where will you be when 2011 ends?
wiesbaden, hessia.
46. Who will you be with when 2011 ends?
the time after the dir en grey concert in august. and the end of the year 2011.
43. Where were you when 2011 began?
wiesbaden, hessia.
44. Who were you with?
work colleagues.
45. Where will you be when 2011 ends?
wiesbaden, hessia.
46. Who will you be with when 2011 ends?
there is going to be a party at my ex co-worker's & friend's flat this year. with a lot of good people coming, good food, hopefully a lot of hilarious moments. i guess this time the new year's change has great chances to be fantastic.
47. What was your favorite month of 2011?
october was definitely a highlight. and july.
48. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2011?
a little bit more than last year, but still not very much.
49. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2011?
47. What was your favorite month of 2011?
october was definitely a highlight. and july.
48. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2011?
a little bit more than last year, but still not very much.
49. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2011?
still don't.
50. How many people did you sleep with in 2011?
none.
51. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
opening myself up to someone. should've better keep my mouth shut. and most of the time i'm also ashamed of myself .
52. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2011?
there were none, i guess. i hope. except that life will get better for me. because it's definitely not.
53. Did you treat somebody badly in 2011?
not sure.
none.
51. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
opening myself up to someone. should've better keep my mouth shut. and most of the time i'm also ashamed of myself .
52. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2011?
there were none, i guess. i hope. except that life will get better for me. because it's definitely not.
53. Did you treat somebody badly in 2011?
not sure.
54. Did somebody treat you badly in 2011?
no one i can think of.
56. How much money did you spend in 2011?
most of it went into the car. into paying rents. into concert tickets, music. very few of it went into food.
57. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2011 and change what?
oh, i'd change a lot. but i don't know it'd be good. i would definitely change my ridiculous behaviour concerning myself. not sharing my deepest thoughts with people i've not known for long.
58. What are your plans for 2012?
enjoying life. 2012 is supposed to be the year where the world will end as we used to know it. i'd rather stop thinking about consequences and just start to fucking live. maybe getting the huge dead tree tattoo done on my back. or going into the wild leaving all boundaries behind me. that'd be useful.
no one i can think of.
56. How much money did you spend in 2011?
most of it went into the car. into paying rents. into concert tickets, music. very few of it went into food.
57. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2011 and change what?
oh, i'd change a lot. but i don't know it'd be good. i would definitely change my ridiculous behaviour concerning myself. not sharing my deepest thoughts with people i've not known for long.
58. What are your plans for 2012?
enjoying life. 2012 is supposed to be the year where the world will end as we used to know it. i'd rather stop thinking about consequences and just start to fucking live. maybe getting the huge dead tree tattoo done on my back. or going into the wild leaving all boundaries behind me. that'd be useful.
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